How did this happen?  Is pain really preventable? Is there anyway to still risk without having this horrible feeling when things turn on you? Is there any way when things to turn to not have your insides ripped out and torn apart. I can't say that I have really felt pain quite like this before. Probably pretty close, when my father left or when I my best friend rejected me..... but nothing quite like being pushed away in the name of love. How do you fight that? How do you say no you are wrong, the way you are loving is wrong... when really you have no idea who is right or wrong, when all you know is that everything that you have been going after, everything you have believed, everything that you have been building has just been ripped out of your hands and torn to pieces.
I don't know how to feel anything other than this stabbing pain right now... I try to look around me at all the life and beauty.. but everwhere I look everything I think just brings me back to the pain. So much of me was invested that there is no where to escape... everywhere I look there is something that was once thought... something that was said.... a look..... a touch...a song. I am trying not think that I was right in not ever wanting to open up.. I was not right to guard my heart so that I wouldn't ever feel like this? It is a hard fight not to go there not to just shut down. To just pushed down what I feel and go on.
The thing is I really don't want to do this... The time that we had was so right and so good that I have to believe that it happened for a reason. If I don't I just can't take it.. If I think that it was a mess up, a failure, something that didn't have to happen then why not just totally give up now? Why ever try again?
I just don't see how I could have been so wrong... I prayed and asked and thought and and practically crawled to make sure and not move too fast and still, still I did not see this.. I thought that things where left up to my choice... what I want.... I am most definitley wrong though cuz I  don't want this and yet it still happened.
Now... all I ask is please.... please since i have to go through this pain... use it. Don't let it just become a mistake or shame of my past.... please let strength come out of this.... for both of us... but mostly for the one that I love.